Romney calls Obama “as weak and womanly as a tamale-making nana”

Latino voters demand a “macho” candidate, aides to Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney told Buzzfeed yesterday, while publicly blasting Obama for being “as weak and womanly as a tamale-making nana.”

In between bites of Sabritas con Limon and a morning marathon of the classic “Los Ricos Tambien Lloran” on Telemundo, Romney aides reminded voters that as the son of a Mexican-born Mormon, and Taco Bell enthusiast, Mitt is automatically el mas macho of the two presidential candidates.

“Mitt is manly like the Mexican hero Speedy Gonzalez,” said Romney aide Marc Henderson, who affirmed his alpha Latino-ness by yelling at his Guatemalan maid earlier that morning.

“Obama doesn’t come close. Obama’s like a Frida Kahlo painting. Full of feelings and all that empathy crap. Who has time to decipher all that when you’ve been busy running for president the last twenty years?”

Romney aides also blasted the President for allowing the First Lady to travel alone, and without a male escort.  They publicly wondered “who has the huevos in that household?”

Busy riding dressage-horse Rafalca, hairy-chested and shirtless on a beach with salt-and-pepper locks flowing in the wind like Ricardo Montalban, Mr. Romney could not be reached directly for comment.

Aides to the Republican nominee dismissed the President’s prominent Latino endorsements, especially womanly ones from Cristina Saralegui and Salma Hayek.  “Have you heard Salma Hayek speak?”, continued Henderson. “Even her accent has an accent. Shakira gargling marbles is more coherent than Salma Hayek’s English. Who knows what she’s saying?”

“But have you seen Mitt’s sombrero?”, Henderson added. “It cost more than your house, and has its own elevator.”

The Romney campaign has attempted to outdo the President’s endorsements of Saralegui and Hayek by announcing posthumous endorsements from dead Latino icons, including Pancho Villa, Jerry Garcia, and Charo.

“Just as long as they aren’t illegals,” aides added.

Gabe Ortíz is a San Francisco-based writer. He has contributed to the Mission's bilingual newspaper "El Tecolote," and the political blogs AMERICAblog, AMERICAblog Gay, and Veracity Stew. He's also a Stevie Nicks lover and shameless catlady. Follow him on Twitter: @Tusk81.

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