Cliff’s Corner

The Week That Was 7/13/07

Another Week. More preposterousness to report.

To be loved. That’s all David Vitter wanted. Why, a staunch supporter of “family values” like Mr. Vitter can only do what one would expect of him, and share those cherished values with the lovely ladies of DC. He couldn’t help it, Katrina chased all the good tail out of New Orleans and Lucianne Goldberg wasn’t reachable by cell that night. I mean, give the guy a break! What’s a man of such “bedrock” principles to do?

Yes, Republicans and prostitutes. They go together like Ben and Jerry. Butch and Sundance. Norm Coleman and a roach clip. But there are many other of our species Republicans don’t react so well to — and I’m not just talking about people who don’t require greenbacks for copulation in general. Specific groups of people, like veterans, firefighters and pretty much anyone not whiter than a Klan rally in Utah during a snowstorm.

And those wily Republicans sure did have their trouble with many of these folks this past week. For example:

1) Rudy Giuliani must be one of the dumbest human beings to ever run for president. Which of course means he has an advantage among those who tend to vote Republican, who see holy matrimony between cousins and building a counter-terrorism center in the only place in New York to ever have previously been hit by a foreign terrorist as a crafty plan (is that terrorists that never strike the same place twice?).

As you may know, the firefighters of New York are much smarter than that, so they put together a short video showing how Rudy was not only not the hero of 9/11, but just a guy with a comb-over that began in Newark and ended in Oswego, whose stupidity got many New Yorkers killed. One could see why a Republican would currently see that as a qualification for becoming their next Decider.

2) Then there’s McCain. Was it the gay sweater that did you in? The campaign manager who likes to jam phones in New Hampshire, hang out with Jack Abramoff and illegally funnel corporate money to Texas? Or perhaps was it the flip-flopping on everything and embracing Christian preacher-fascists as guys to drink tea with and discuss how to navigate around this compact-disc shaped Earth of ours?

3) Don’t forget Iraq. How many Republicans have spent the week literally running away from cameras like they were their constituents, or abstinence education chasing David Vitter? What gutless cowards. Well they don’t call it Iraq Summer for nothing. Get ready for a summer of love guys.

4) Finally, let’s never forget the NRA. They think it’s just swell for Ayman al-Zwahiri to walk into a local gathering of yokels near you and buy himself some AKs to provide the lead holes our bodies are so desperately craving.

No need to check and make sure terrorists, criminals and children don’t get their hands on high-caliber weaponry.

These gun nuts are to reason what Lindsay Lohan is to driving or Dick Cheney is to lipid-free arteries. It’s time to put the extremist NRA in its place.

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