Earlier this week, I happened to pick up a copy of The F-Word, Jesse Sheidlower’s brief history and dictionary of the most versatile word in the English language — a word I have to semi-censor on this site because Google runs our ads, and Google is a bunch of prudes.
I have found the book to be instructive in evaluating last night’s Republican debate.
The F-word is a fantastic word because it can be used in practically any context. It can be a noun (“Marco Rubio is a nervous little f*cker”), a verb (“Marco Rubio f*cked up last night”), an adjective (“It’s about f*cking time Marco Rubio ended his campaign”), an adverb (“Marco Rubio talks too f*cking fast”) or an infix (“Marco Rubio told the mayor of Miami, who has endorsed his candidacy, that we’re going to have to let his city sink into the sea. Fan-f*cking-tastic.”). As Lewis Black explains in the book’s foreword, “for many of us — and you New Yorkers know who you are — f*ck isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.”
As in, “Marco Rubio, f*ck, what’s he still doing here?”
The F-word is ubiquitous to the point at which it’s made it into some of our favorite acronyms, from middle school shorthand like WTF, FML and OMFG to the military’s list of “FU” terms like SNAFU, TARFU, FUBB and FUBAR. Seek, it seems, and ye shall f*cking find. The F-Word amounts to as comprehensive a list of f*ck in all of its possible variations, with some particularly creative creations (such as South Park’s “uncle-f*cker“) intentionally excluded due to lack of common usage. That list of entries, from A to Z, is 270 pages long.
One of those entries is the acronym FUBIO. There are actually a couple of different ways to spell out FUBIO, with slightly different meanings: Urban Dictionary’s entry is “F*ck You, Buddy, I’m Out,” while Sheidlower’s entry is for the military expression, “F*ck You, Bub, It’s Over,” which he attributes to soldiers’ post-war attitude in 1946. Either way, FUBIO seems to encapsulate the state of the things for the candidate whose name nearly matches the acronym: Marco Rubio is almost done running for president. Halle-f*cking-lujah.
It’s unclear who’s going to say which version of FUBIO first — Rubio or the voters — but someone’s about to say it. Facing what seems to be an insurmountable lead in his home state of Florida, Rubio doesn’t have a path to victory, and last night’s debate suggested that, well, he knows he’s kinda f*cked. He steered clear of Donald Trump for most of the night, aside from one back-and-forth on American relations with Cuba — a subject about which Trump clearly knew nothing. Rather than attacking the one candidate who’s ahead of him in his must-win state, Rubio rehashed the optimistic themes from early in his campaign — themes that he has to have known fell flat the first time. All told, Rubio had the demeanor of a candidate who wanted to die with what little dignity he had left.
Whether he holds out until Florida voters tell him to f*ck off on Tuesday, or whether he f*cks off on his own volition before then, Marco Rubio is on his way out. And his exit couldn’t come soon enough. This is a guy who has suggested that the LGBT community is not only undeserving of equal rights, but is actively un-American. He is openly dismissive of restrictions on the right to vote, even though his own brother-in-law is currently disenfranchised due to a past felony conviction. His tax plan would blow a multi-trillion dollar hole in the deficit while being specifically tailored to exclude low-income families from many of its benefits. He has promised to start at least two major wars while expanding the surveillance state beyond what even Donald Trump has advocated.
And did I mention that he told the mayor of Miami, who endorsed him for president, that we’re going to have to let his city SINK INTO THE F*CKING SEA???
So Marco Rubio is almost out. Good f*cking riddance. F*ck him and the Koch-backed horse he rode in on.
Marco Rubio? More like Marco FUBIO, amirite?