Prepare the way, for the Jeb! cometh

JEB… the campaigning chaos…

He has risen out of Florida to break his bone-bread over the earth… Heed these words!

There are some who say these times of planet-shattering upheavals were reckoned by the lashing and battering of certain foul winds from the deep void of space. Midnight seers reading in the clouds and teacups the myriad ways of the world-spirit point a shriveled finger to the alignment of certain celestial bodies and nebulae.

Still others, attribute it to the awakening of JEB.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do not misunderestimate the JEB, for his hand is mighty and extends long into the night. He has returned at this, his appointed hour, to fulfill a destiny sealed in blood by most distant ancestors.

Suffice it to say that JEB is the third and thereafter shall never be another — for it is prophesied that if the forces of JEB shall preside o’er this land, that “Iran will not get a nuclear weapon because the world as we know it will be no more.”

They may also end up with control of the House, Senate and Presidency.

Let JEB’s destruction rain down from the dying heavens!

jeb-path-of-destructionsmal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heed the call of the JEB and do not deny its power. For the splendor of JEB shall surpass that of all his predecessors; as it is written:

  • The first in the line of Bush shall be a spook-man, and lo, though he was called too “incompetent to be President,” a President he would be. And lo, though he once said unto the people that for a politician to position themselves further to the Right, they would have to, quote, “drop off the face of the earth,” still further Right he would go.
  • The second in the storied bloodline, though he was born unto riches and patronage unimaginable and in a most patrician of duchies, would prove himself an utter simpleton. This he would use to his advantage. A President he, too, would be!
  • The third shall pad himself in an exterior most unassuming. He shall be deemed a “moderate,” and a “reformer,” and his would-be allies shall turn against him, though the kulturkampf his reign shall unleash will surpass even that of his father’s once-mentor, Richard the Millhouse. His enemies shall all perish in an ever-flowing sea of ill-begotten fungibility.

So it is written, in such reputable outlets as the Hill, no less.

Do not fear or struggle when JEB gargles upon thine eyeballs or devours your soul. For this, too, is a thing of beauty.

It is all a part of the majesty of JEB.

Let JEB consume our foibles and subsume our essences before the dead gods above; who, in their blindness, neither know nor care for us pitiable humans.

smaller-jebrosaur

Though JEB may attain the unmatchable favor of certain Ancient Ones whose power churns forth from the unspeakably black depths of the bowels of the earth, his victory is yet to be assured.

JEB will need loyal acolytes to be his eternal slaves in his thousand year campaign of total conquest. You may visit his trans-cosmological virtual den here, if you dare.

Don’t forget to register to vote in the primaries and general election for JEB!

;)


James Neimeister is a freelance writer from Ohio. His interests include: Russia, Ukraine, education, technology, and "cyberspace."

Share This Post

  • Ed

    Donald Trump appeals to the electorate because he shares their values, Jeb and the gang of 18 represent one man Grover Norquist.

  • Indigo

    Fun, isn’t it? Fortunately, we here in Florida have the beach. I think I’ll go body-surfing tomorrow and let all this slide. It’ll be here later, most likely unchanged. Hasta la playa.

  • FLL

    Everybody keeps saying, “Oh, if Bush gets the nomination, of course he’ll carry Florida.” That just drives me crazy. No, I don’t think he would carry Florida. I believe Florida has slipped out of the Republican column permanently (because of demographics, if nothing else). I think people, like you and I, who actually live in Florida can see that more clearly. And yes, Bush is not a very effective manager, so I don’t think his campaign would be that well managed.

  • Yes, thanks to Citizens United a handful of donors can keep your campaign running even when there’s not much voter interest. That is certainly a help as most candidates drop out because they don’t have the money to keep the campaign going. Rick Perry just told staff they should find other jobs because he his campaign doesn’t have any money to pay them. Traditionally the money would keep coming if the voters were there and donors would abandon campaigns not doing well in the primaries. But that was when there was a limit per donor of a few thousand dollars. You used to need a lot of donors. Many campaigns ran with mostly donations of $100 and less. That’s not an issue anymore which may be why there is such a disconnect between what candidates are talking about and what voters care about. They don’t have to appeal to small donors any more but they do have to appeal to voters which may explain why well-funded campaigns like Walker’s are struggling in the polls in spite of having millions of Koch Brothers money to spend.

  • Indigo

    I continue to maintain that Jeb (with or without punctuation) can not carry Florida. We know better than anybody exactly what kind of a mismanaging incompetent he can be.

  • Demosthenes

    Hilarious piece!

  • 2karmanot

    What fun James. You have accurately portrayed Jebbya for the cartoon clown that is he.

  • Don Chandler

    Last I read, he had 103 million in super pac money. Someone believed in him, amazingly. Even Republican’s must think he’s icky.

  • Don Chandler

    So the points Donald lost seem to have gone to … Cruz! They work together in a Donald/Cruz ticket. Or if ‘The Donald’ exits, a Cruz ticket. Cruz! (exclamation for lack of a better word ;)

  • Jeb is not getting the nomination. I can’t believe anyone thinks he has a shot.

  • FLL

    Agreed. I try to use exclamation points very sparingly. I use it in the phrase “Trump/Palin 2016!” simply because its conventional to use it in an election slogan. The author of the article above might have made more limited use of exclamation points.

  • therling

    As a writer, I find that an exclamation point is something to which you resort when you can’t find a more compelling word.

  • FLL

    Nope. The Donald still rules although we haven’t quite figured out what incarnation of the Whig Party he rules. What is left of the Republican Party is a nativist movement, and nativist movements usually pop up during those times in U.S. history when immigration has been at a high point for a long time. That is when resentment against immigration has really gathered steam. The 1890s through the 1920s was one such time, and the KKK was very much an anti-immigration movement, hence its political clout during the 1920s. Trump/Palin 2016! Um… you know I’m kidding, right? I guess I have to be very clear about that.

  • Thom Allen

    Jeb! may be considering using these pixilated pixels in his campaign ads. He think’s they’ll appeal to the youth vote. Actually the ones of him as the brainless saurian and the dancing deathmeister look better than many of his other photos.

  • MyrddinWilt

    Fortunately the post-debate poll shows that Jeb has slipped to fifth place behind Cruz, Carson, Fiorina and The Donald.

    Anyone who thought Donald would be damaged by the post debate comments really hasn’t been paying attention to what the GOP has become.

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