Putin commentary in The Onion: “Thanks for being so cool about everything”

On the occasion of his invasion and annexation of Ukrainian Crimea, Vladimir Putin pens an op ed in The Onion (fyi, the Onion is a satirical publication):

As you know, the last few weeks have been kind of crazy around here.

Last month, protests in Ukraine ousted the country’s Kremlin-allied president and ignited a wave of Ukrainian nationalism that threatened to destabilize Russia’s economic and military interests in the region. Of course, I couldn’t simply stand by and let that happen, so I intervened and ordered a forceful takeover of the strategically important peninsula of Crimea—a territory with historical ties to Russia that our nation had long desired.

It’s certainly no easy task to forcefully annex an entire province against another country’s will, so I just wanted to thank you—the government of the United States, the nations of western Europe, and really the entire world population as a whole—for being super cool about all of this.

Seriously, you guys have been amazing. All of you. I really appreciate it.

"I'll take that one, and that one, and..."

“I’ll take that one, and that one, and…”
(ID1974 / Shutterstock.com)

Now, of course I get that you in the international community had to issue some sort of response. After all, you had to at least look like you were trying to fight for the people of Ukraine as we rolled armed vehicles into their country, made it clear that any dissent would be punished, and essentially rendered an entire people totally and utterly powerless in the face of a bigger, stronger country’s national interests. I totally get that. But I’m just relieved that you decided on a response as harmless as humanly possible, with no real and tangible repercussions on myself or my government. You really have no idea how much stress that lifted off my shoulders. It was a real lifesaver.

I also understand that moving forward, you’ll feel pressure to call a lot of high-profile NATO meetings, make statements to the UN, suspend this summer’s G8 summit, that sort of thing. I also get that all that kind of stuff is just a formal procedure you have to follow, because really, at this point you’ve laid your cards on the table. So I just want to thank you ahead of time—honestly, from the bottom of my heart—for ensuring that I can just concentrate on doing whatever I want in any formerly Soviet region that is of geopolitical, military, or economic value to Russia without having to worry one iota about suffering any consequences. Thanks for making that 100-percent clear to me.


(I’m told that in order to better see my Facebook posts in your feed, you need to “follow” me.)


Follow me on Twitter: @aravosis | @americablog | @americabloggay | Facebook | Google+ | LinkedIn. John Aravosis is the editor of AMERICAblog, which he founded in 2004. He has a joint law degree (JD) and masters in Foreign Service from Georgetown (1989); and worked in the US Senate, World Bank, Children's Defense Fund, and as a stringer for the Economist. Frequent TV pundit: O'Reilly Factor, Hardball, World News Tonight, Nightline & Reliable Sources. Bio, .

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  • 2karmanot

    Obama will further punish Russia by sending Putin his 10 volume collection of stump speeches.

  • Bill_Perdue

    While some chuckle, the vultures gather. “The mounting tensions in southeastern Ukraine may hand the American natural gas industry one of its biggest policy victories in years.

    Citing the Kremlin’s nefarious energy influence over Ukraine and Europe at large—Kiev gets about 60 percent of its gas supply from Russia, the EU 30 percent—Congress is making moves that would ostensibly unleash a flood of gas overseas from America’s comparatively friendly shores. Representatives Ted Poe (R-Tex.), Cory Gardner (R-Col.) and Mike Turner (R-Ohio) each introduced bills earlier this month to supposedly fast-track liquefied natural gas exports to the regions. Mark Udall (D-Col.), meanwhile, sponsors similar legislation in the Senate. Under existing law, companies wishing to export natural gas must apply first to the Department of Energy, then to the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission. Each of the four bills aims to speed up that part of the review. Poe’s bill, the Fight Russian Energy Exploitation (FREE) Act, adds the EU, Ukraine and a number of Central Asian countries to the expedited approval process.”

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  • HeartlandLiberal

    I have my own political blog, and about six months ago I added the “The Onion” to my category of links to political sites I read and recommend. It just seemed the logical thing to do, since to often, the articles on “The Onion” more closely mirror reality than any mainstream journalism.

  • Indigo

    I don’t think that’s quite how it went but close enough for propaganda purposes. The important thing here is the nature of the genre of satire as a literary form. The situation does not have to be funny to be satirized and the satire does not have to be comical to get it. It’s actually appalling but reasonably accurate.

  • GreenEagle

    Satire knows no reason.

  • http://www.americablog.com/ Naja pallida

    There was no reason for The Onion to satirize the situation. Reality is pathetic enough.

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