Hemmer foxsplains: “It took us 2,000 years to find Noah’s Ark. Do we ever find Flight 370?”

Fox New’s Bill Hemmer, while discussing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, came up with a rather inventive explanation for why we haven’t found the missing plane: Noah’s Ark.

bill-hemmer

You see, as Hemmer foxsplains it, we shouldn’t be surprised that we’re not finding the plane since, after all, it took 2,000 years to find Noah’s Ark.

“So it took us – what? – 100 years to find the Titanic? It took us 2,000 years to find Noah’s Ark. Do we ever find Flight 370?”

First, Noah’s Ark hasn’t been found.

And second, one of the best estimates for the date of the Ark story is 2,349 BC, which is actually 4,308 years (not 2,000) from the date of the supposed flood to the date some people mistakenly thought they found it, 1959.

Not to mention, we had camera-mounted U-2 spy planes in the 1950s, and then by the late 50s we had satellites with cameras on them.  Before that, we had much less ability to survey large areas of land.  So, while we haven’t found Noah’s Ark in 4,363 years, for 4,299 of those years we didn’t exactly have the best search technology. Unless Noah built a satellite too, and didn’t tell anyone.

Then there’s the issue of trying to find a wooden ship that would have been built over four thousand years ago vs. a plane made of steel that was lost less than two weeks ago.  Our odds are a tad better for finding the plane, and it’s understandable why it might be a bit difficult to find the boat after all this time – especially if the boat never existed in the first place.

Other than that….

The goodies begin about 48 seconds into the video, below.


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Follow me on Twitter: @aravosis | @americablog | @americabloggay | Facebook | Google+ | LinkedIn. John Aravosis is the editor of AMERICAblog, which he founded in 2004. He has a joint law degree (JD) and masters in Foreign Service from Georgetown (1989); and worked in the US Senate, World Bank, Children's Defense Fund, and as a stringer for the Economist. Frequent TV pundit: O'Reilly Factor, Hardball, World News Tonight, Nightline & Reliable Sources. Bio, .

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  • Ted Martin

    Very true.

  • Ted Martin

    Much of the world was not yet known of by “Noah” and his cohorts, so many species from places like Australia were not needed to be put on the Ark. As it were.

  • Ted Martin

    Why does Bill Hemmer always have such a dumbfounded expression on his face?

  • Ted Martin

    That’s not a slip of the tongue it just, exposes his lack of knowledge, BTW the ark story is stolen from the epic of gilgamesh anyway.

  • Ted Thomas Martin

    Lol…..Well he works for FOX News.

  • Dacha

    Ha ha there are people here who thinks if you’re an atheist that you “believe in nothing”… We just don’t believe in fantasies and shit We believe in lots of things, but this is not one of them.

  • David

    It appears to be a slip of the tongue which happens 24/7 at MSNBC. Why is it such a problem here?

  • davidinchelseama

    True that any discussion of the logistics of the story can be hand-waved away by any fundie, with the word, “miracle.” Their god could have somehow brought the animals close to the ark through magic, and made them all fit magically, etc, etc. And the only purpose of the boat needing to be built by a person was that he was testing that person’s faith, blah, blah blah…

    Of course, the whole thing is utter bullshit, but whatever…..

  • davidinchelseama

    His issue is with the idiots who believe the story is literally true. He said so right at the beginning.

  • Holden Caulfield

    Let me get this straight, Jesus was on Noah’s Ark?

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  • Mike_in_the_Tundra

    What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?

  • It’s a shame

    Romans 14:11

  • douglas01

    Why am I not surprised this idiot works for FAUX NEWS.

  • olandp

    No, I don’t. Why do you?

  • lynchie

    They are all the same.

  • 4th Turning

    This thread has probably run its course. Unfortunately. The Swami tantalizes with his rewrite-
    not too shabby for a foreigner.
    Anyway. here’s the museum link. Russell definitely makes for a more believable Noah.

    http://creationmuseum.org/whats-here/photo-preview/

  • 4th Turning

    Beg to differ, mon ami. I believe he deserves to spend eternity with his own
    kind. Our folk can look forward to sauna paradise (including organic garden,
    of course) after a lifetime dealing with these orcs. (Another Bill-how many can
    this blog hold before exploding…)

  • Swami_Binkinanda

    This is unbecoming of a person of faith.

  • Swami_Binkinanda

    When asked who his favorite follower was, Jesus responded in what must have seemed a counterintuitive way. Roman tax collector is my fave dude, he says. WTF? his peeps responded. OMG tax collectors and Romans sux donkey balls. Jesus says, Homie worships in his closet and doesn’t go running around shooting off his mouth about what a hot shit Christian he is and rubbing his piety in peoples’ faces like its a fuxing contest or something. Take a lesson muh fuhs cause that’s how I rollz, son. Whited sepulchres in the house!

    That’s a loose paraphrase modernized for the kids of today. When the church has abdicated its position as representative of his teachings in favor of marketing hype and pop music and team jerseys and no lightning hits the false prophets, YHWH has left the building.

  • goldwater89

    And your solution is for us to watch MSNBC, right?

  • goldwater89

    Do you hate women? #waronwomen

  • BillFromDover

    Ah.. but were they not also awash in original sin?

    Perhaps, god had plans for a massive baptism that went somewhat awry?

    Maybe something like 14 days and nights could have sufficed?

  • BillFromDover

    The only other human more disgusting than the Nuge is now spending eternity with those, bad, bad, revolting fags he so disparaged.

    May the Devil have glee upon his rotten soul.

  • BillFromDover

    Regarding all the other inconsistencies in the Bible, I love this site which attempts to use science to either prove their fairy tales or disprove established science:

    http://www.answersingenesis.org/

    What a fucking joke and have a blast.

  • BillFromDover

    Why?

  • BillFromDover

    “Because they’re so keen on making people belive in nothing

    Vs your fairy tales?

    BTW, how difficult is it to believe in nothing… just wondering?

  • BillFromDover

    Oh, C’mon!

    Doesn’t everybody know, by now, that it landed in Kentucky, specifically in the creationist museum?

  • pappyvet

    2000 years to find Noah”s Ark? Still no clue to where Hemmer:s brain is.

  • Mirquella Santos

    Republicans are so smart. Sara Palin and Michelle Bachmann are so intelligent too. Since Noah’s ark was found, I will get on it to travel to the Twilight Zone. Eso es seguro!

  • VCRRECORDSWITCH

    Over and out.

  • VCRRECORDSWITCH

    I figured out, though. Most atheists have mental imbalances. Because they’re so keen on making people belive in nothing. Check out the American atheist website; they even have their own logo. Just like Scientology.

  • VCRRECORDSWITCH

    I lost faith in people, and all of you are why I lost faith. You’re all a generation of lazy atheists. May God send his wraith upon all of you.

  • VCRRECORDSWITCH

    Down syndrome sucks, right?

  • VCRRECORDSWITCH

    Well, it probally only hurt for a second, right?

  • VCRRECORDSWITCH

    Go sit on a nlgger c0ck.

  • VCRRECORDSWITCH

    Your wife is probally a wh0re as well. No wait, you’re divorced and you’re paying child support, bingo.

  • VCRRECORDSWITCH

    Well, you resemble a middle age fagg0t. Let me guess, you’re a sandwhich artist at Subway!!

  • VCRRECORDSWITCH

    It’s a proven fact: Faux News burns brain cells.

  • 4th Turning

    Back again just to let you know if you haven’t already been made aware that neuroscience
    and the devil’s own MRI have shown there is no such animal as “free will”. The very
    raison d’etre of fundamentalist christianity is teetering on the wall of a very great fall…

  • Lantor

    When he was on CNN, I thought he was a little brighter. But I also crushed on him because I had just moved to Atlanta, it was the early 2000s and he was a bachelor in his 30s. When you are that pretty, that always seemed to be code for a friend of Dorthy.

  • 4th Turning

    interestingly, this “debate” got ignited back in the 1850’s and 60’s when eminent(?)
    Harvard scientist Louis Agassiz confirmed beyond all doubt the shameful “science”
    of a southern coterie of rank amateurs out to “prove” the superiority of the civilized
    white race and the inferiority of an uncivilized, “subhuman species” ie. Africans and
    Aboriginals to justify continued slavery. (T.N. isn’t the first to resurrect the term
    subhuman mongrel…)

  • http://fighttherightwingnuts.blogspot.com/ mike31c

    WTF are these RWNJ’s smoking? Because they really need to share it with everyone!

  • olandp

    Me too, and knew what it meant, but didn’t know how vapid he is.

  • olandp

    They are required to have a pre-frontal lobotomy. Fortunately for Elizabeth Hasselbeck, she was already so IQ challenged, she didn’t need one.

  • DRoseDARs

    Mein gott, what a profoundly stupid man.

  • lynchie

    The missing flight has been found in Madonna’s vagina

  • lynchie

    They aren’t smart enough to know what effect they have. They are simply actors playing a part and reading a script already prepared for them. If they go off topic or ad lib they are screwed.

  • olandp

    Shouldn’t he be more blonde? I wish I could say this is shocking, but it is just another day for the FOXNews bimbos.

  • mark_in_toronto

    After watching Cosmos (wonderful!) and being reminded of what the church did to scientists not too long ago, this is not that surprising. Fear is a powerful persuader.

  • Monophylos Fortikos

    You do realize that the chance that Darren Aronofsky, of all people, thinking that he was writing and directing a movie about a real event is practically nil? He co-wrote it with the same fellow he co-wrote The Fountain with, for crying out loud. This is not a man who can possibly believe in Biblical literalism. Maher decided either out of cynicism or stupidity to pretend as though the film is a work of sincere Jesus freakery analogous to The Passion and it’s not.

  • Drew2u

    Off topic, regarding this article from National Geographic about the discovery of the Big Bang and thought about the multiverse: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/03/140318-multiverse-inflation-big-bang-science-space/

    Personally, I would think of the multiverse as a kind of tessellation that mirrors patterning found at the atomic level, that our universe could, essentially, be a kind of cell next to other cells in a multidimensional membrane. Of course this would assume that the mathematics in our universe would apply outside the boundaries of our universe.

  • Drew2u

    For those who take the literal truth of Noah, how many babies do they guesstimate God drowned in the flood?

  • HeartlandLiberal

    Actually, they sign a contract that commits them to speak in tongues using words prepared by the masters of the Faux Noise Nutwork, the GOP and the Corporate Kelptocracy and the 1%. I have lost count of how many times they have been caught using literal scripts from Republican talking points that later leaked for comparison. Seriously, no one with any critical intelligence can watch more than two minutes of Faux Noise without wanting to just heave and throw up a little. It is truly cringe-worthy.

    What I wonder is, do these Faux talking heads every wonder about the corrosive effect their participation is having on their very souls and long term moral and ethical health? Or is all they care about the money?

  • Monophylos Fortikos

    I’ve never had the patience to argue for very long with anyone emotionally invested in the literal truth of Noah, but I’ve encountered enough to know one of the excuses for why it’s not necessarily to count all species when reckoning how large the Ark needed to be. Basically it’s an exercise of that concession some creationists make to the reality of evolution, the acceptance of some kind of “microevolution”. So, for instance, there wouldn’t be any need to make room for all of the four hundred thousand species of beetle (of which, as J. B. S. Haldane famously observed, the Lord is inordinately fond) because all that was needed was one representative of the beetles and then microevolution, aided by the enormous boost in fecundity that is also asserted to have been bestowed by God to all creatures after the Flood to insure the rapid repopulation of the Earth from the tiny population of survivors, would yield all the species that we see today.

    This sort of eye-rolling sophistry just goes to show how fruitless it is to argue with someone who simply must believe that the Flood happened. Any rips in the fabric of their rationalization they cover up with a miracle. The fundie creationist version of the Noah story requires a whole crowd of subsidiary miracles to happen. Leaving plausibility aside I think it’s just plain bad mythology as well.

  • SkippyFlipjack

    I can’t believe it took so long to find Noah’s Ark. In order to fit all the animal species the thing would have to have been around the size of North Dakota.

  • cole3244

    was he this stupid before going to fox or do they demand you take pills to get that way?

  • Jim Olson

    Dolt. Hemmer used to be on CNN. He’s a much better fit where he is now.

  • A_nonymoose

    What’s really scary is that so many people take these shitheads seriously.

  • http://parkandbark.wordpress.com/ Houndentenor

    They have. Many times. Search youtube.

  • Lantor

    Me too! But I did know what it meant.

  • 4th Turning

    No flood, no rainbow. No rainbow, no flag. No flag, no Pride-please, stop all this blasphemy!

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    And the main thing he proved is logic alone does not achieve valid scientific conclusions…

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    The stupid, it burns…

  • http://twitter.com/rickroberts Rick Roberts

    Fuck if it sounds mean. Religion is not above ridicule any more than any other idea or social construct.

  • http://twitter.com/rickroberts Rick Roberts

    Don’t miss Bill Maher’s takedown of that ridiculous Noah movie: http://youtu.be/ld_tg4W7Hf8

  • http://twitter.com/rickroberts Rick Roberts

    When I was younger, I thought Bill Hemmer was so cute. I wanted to hug him before I knew what that meant.

  • MyrddinWilt

    Men discovered the New World in 1492. 450 years later a man discovered the clitoris.

    And what both discoveries have in common is that rather a lot of people were unaware that they needed discovering.

    BTW, that Higgs Boson they discovered at CERN? I’m the guy who lost it.

  • http://www.americablog.com/ Naja pallida

    I’m surprised someone long ago didn’t just declare some random piece of wood to be it. That’s how we have all the other other biblical relics, like the Shroud of Turin and the Spear of Destiny – both of which have repeatedly failed even the most rudimentary of authentication measures. But being completely fake doesn’t seem to stop people from believing and venerating them.

  • DRoseDARs

    God Bless you for posting this. :-D

  • Monophylos Fortikos

    There have been a ton of claimed Ark finds in dozens of places all over the world–Turkey, Armenia, Kurdistan, Iran. Some are natural structures that can be very vaguely described as resembling a ship; some are claims relating to chunks of wood supposedly retrieved from the Ark; some are completely unsubstantiated personal accounts.

  • http://www.americablog.com/ Naja pallida

    He started doing the Noah routine in the early 1960s. I’m not sure of the exact date on that recording. I have it on vinyl somewhere around here, from 1963 or 1964. I need to dig that out. :)

  • http://liberawheeler.blogspot.com Elijah Shalis

    Did I miss something? We found Noah’s Ark? Last I checked it is still missing or nonexistent.

  • Silver_Witch

    Oh my – look how young he is….imagine…and actually rather handsome.

  • Silver_Witch

    Idjit…wait religious idjit

  • Monophylos Fortikos

    Oh, I’m sure at anything past a few hundred years ago for them blurs into a vague composite picture of togas and sandals and armor and beards. It’s rather like those peoples of the world whose languages only had a few words for distinct numbers with anything larger conflated into “many”. No wonder the fundies think Adam rode around on a vegetarian velociraptor–both existed at the same time, that same time being a great cloud of noise and confusion with the label “LONG AGO”.

  • Monophylos Fortikos

    That was Aristotle with that “nature abhors a vacuum”, not a scientist :p

  • Monophylos Fortikos

    I’ve always preferred the last of Cosby’s Noah skits, the one in which God’s ridiculous orders finally get to Noah and he loses his rag, screaming at the top of his lungs: “Have you looked down in the bottom of that ark! No!”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Tt_YpvwrFg

  • TomL

    Maybe he just doesn’t realize that Courtney Love found it. Now maybe we can get on to the Golden Fleece, Aladdin’s Lamp and the Fountain of Youth.

    And just for the record, Harold Camping calculated that Noah’s Ark was 7,000 years ago (in 2011). Of course we all know how (in)accurate his predictions were.

  • mikeyDe

    And this is precisely why we need Bill Maher’s ridiculing the Bible even if it sounds mean to some people.

  • http://www.americablog.com/ Naja pallida
  • http://www.bloomsburyreview.com Webster

    Bill Hemmer. One of the guys who proves the stereotype that pretty is so often stupid.

  • gratuitous

    So, all you scientifical libruls, you say that nature abhors a vacuum, but look at Bill Hemmer! His skull is just as round as it can be. Don’t you think it would have caved in by now if your “scientific” “facts” were all they’re cracked up to be?

    Fox triumphs again!

  • ckg1

    Just when I think CNN has a lock on the title of Number 1 Dumb(yes, Don Lemon, I’m looking at YOU!), along comes Fox “news” doubling down on THE STUPID.

  • FLL

    Fundamentalist Christians seem to have a penchant for conflating all ancient and biblical dates with the beginning of the Common Era, around the time of Jesus. I guess they rely on their secular neighbors to remind them that there was both an Old Testament and a New Testament, although that’s really not our job. So blond and blue-eyed Jesus was around to inspect Noah’s Arc, giving instructions in his native English, and he was armed with his trusty Remington rifle just in case there was any trouble.

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