FRC: “Man’s man” Jesus is coming back with AR-15 “Sandy Hook” assault rifle

In one of the more vulgar bastardizations of the word of Christ in recent times, one of the lead religious right groups, the Family Research Council, suggested that the Second Coming of the Lord will involve a testosterone-filled Jesus sporting an assault rifle.

And because Jesus’ blood lust apparently knows no bounds, he’s not just coming back with any assault rifle – the son of God’s apparent weapon of choice is the AR-15, the assault weapon used to kill nearly two dozen teachers and small children at Sandy Hook Elementary.

Sing hallelujah!

AR-15 assault weapon (photo credit:  TheAlphaWolf)

AR-15 assault weapon, Jesus not included.
(Photo credit: TheAlphaWolf)

After this many years of reading and watching the filth and the lies that come out of the religious right hate groups – and make no mistake, the Family Research Council was officially designated a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center a few years ago – they still manage to surprise me with just how un-Christian and vile they really are.

Jesus packing an assault rifle.  Really.

And even better, Jesus is apparently rabidly heterosexual, his veins pumped full of testosterone. Here’s the FRC’s Executive Vice President Jerry Boykin at a “men’s prayer breakfast,” few months back (I suspect RightWingWatch just got the audio to some of this, that’s why we’re hearing about this now).

As Boykin explained, Jesus was a carpenter and stone mason for most of his life, which required him to be constantly lifting heavy pieces of wood and stone. All this lifting, in turn, meant that Jesus had calluses on his hands and “big, bulging biceps, big ole veins popping out of his arms, thin waist, [and] strong shoulders.”

Um, ok.

“He was a man,” Boykin said. “He was a man’s man, but we feminized him in the church … He was a tough guy and that’s the Jesus that I want to be like. That’s the side that I want to be like. But we’ve feminized Jesus in the church, and the men can’t identify with him anymore; not the kind of men that I want to hang out with, they can’t identify with this effeminate Jesus that we’ve tried to portray. He was a tough guy. He was a man’s man.”

Get a room, already.

Oh, and you might not be surprised to find out that Porno Jesus was actually the architect of the Second Amendment. More from Boykin at a separate event:

The Lord is a warrior and in Revelation 19 is says when he comes back, he’s coming back as what? A warrior. A might warrior leading a mighty army, riding a white horse with a blood-stained white robe … I believe that blood on that robe is the blood of his enemies ’cause he’s coming back as a warrior carrying a sword.

And I believe now – I’ve checked this out – I believe that sword he’ll be carrying when he comes back is an AR-15.

He’s “checked this out.” Oh ok.

And not to put too fine a point on it, but Jesus is about as likely to arm himself with an assault rifle as would Dumbledore.  When you’re almighty, you don’t need the weapons of man in order to make your point.  Ergo, Noah’s flood.  God could have bought a Glock, but instead he went with water.  Same thing happened when it came time to deal with the Pharaoh in Egypt – you didn’t see Moses walking around with an Uzi (though it would have made for some beautiful anachronistic poetic justice). No, Moses and God did just fine with locusts and hail.

Oh, but there’s more:

Jesus' face courtesy of Shutterstock. Renata Sedmakova / Shutterstock.com

Rambo Jesus (Jesus’ face courtesy of Shutterstock. Renata Sedmakova / Shutterstock.com)

Now I want you to think about this: where did the Second Amendment come from? … From the Founding Fathers, it’s in the Constitution. Well, yeah, I know that. But where did the whole concept come from? It came from Jesus when he said to his disciples ‘now, if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.’

I know, everybody says that was a metaphor.  IT WAS NOT A METAPHOR! He was saying in building my kingdom, you’re going to have to fight at times. You won’t build my kingdom with a sword, but you’re going to have to defend yourself.  And that was the beginning of the Second Amendment, that’s where the whole thing came from. I can’t prove that historically, and David [Barton] will counsel me when this is over, but I know that’s where it came from.

And the sword today is an AR-15, so if you don’t have one, go get one. You’re supposed to have one. It’s biblical.

No, not biblical. Just nuts.


(I’m told that in order to better see my Facebook posts in your feed, you need to “follow” me.)


Follow me on Twitter: @aravosis | @americablog | @americabloggay | Facebook | Google+ | LinkedIn. John Aravosis is the editor of AMERICAblog, which he founded in 2004. He has a joint law degree (JD) and masters in Foreign Service from Georgetown (1989); and worked in the US Senate, World Bank, Children's Defense Fund, and as a stringer for the Economist. Frequent TV pundit: O'Reilly Factor, Hardball, World News Tonight, Nightline & Reliable Sources. Bio, .

Share This Post

  • djny10003

    And that stuff about loving your enemies? Total BS.

  • lilyannerose

    I would like for them to be more specific is Jesus coming for an atheist like me before or after he guns down the gay folks?

  • Indigo

    Okay . . . that’s two!

  • 2karmanot

    There are the matching homemade, crocheted, beer tab bikinis for the ‘gals.’

  • 2karmanot

    Born to be Brie.

  • Sweetie

    Not just evangelicals. I went to the Vatican exhibit and the blond and blue-eyed Jesus with the hairless chest and prominent exposed pecs, the Chippendale disciples statues, and on and on… And this started early. There’s a mosaic of Jesus or some disciple and the guy has light blue eyes.

  • Sweetie

    true Christianity = oxymoron

  • Anonymous

    Unfortunately religion allows hateful people to do things with impunity. Religious law is lawlessness. You can’t tell me a law based on superstitions results in a fair trial, adequate punishments or even crime prevention. Theocracies are bad. Religious “exceptions” are bad.

  • The_Fixer

    Oh no, he’d be saying “Oh, You! Oh, You! Oh, You!” while in the throes.

  • The_Fixer

    ‘Cause everyone knows that the most important question of our time is whether Ford rules and Chevy sucks, or if real men drive Dodges. Because, y’know, nutsacks. Or something like that (I never got why this is important once I moved beyond grade school).

    Yeah, I always wondered why those decals were ever able to be sold. I would think that those would be a copyright or trademark violation. Maybe they fall under satire?

    Regardless, they are stupid and miss the point of the comic strip.

  • The_Fixer

    Well, the bible is basically fictional, as far as I am concerned. So this fictional representation of Jesus being a gun-toting gym rat falls right in line with it, in my mind anyway.

    I have a feeling that a lot of the Jesus stories may be based on a person who was a traveling preacher/magician/entertainer sort of guy. Maybe he actually thought of himself as the son of God, in the sense that if there was a God, we’d all be sons and daughters of that God.

    I had never heard of the two-Jesus theory, but it does make a whole lot more sense than what is presented as truth in the bible. For some reason, people seem to think that there was something unique about the name “Jesus” and that there was only one person with that name. I doubt that was the case.

    There’s just too much wrong with the Bible for it to be considered a reliable historical document. Given what we know about human nature and our propensity to incorrectly relate a story 5 minutes after it happened, it’s completely unbelievable that it could be a reliable source of information as it was written well after the events it describes happened.

    The more we learn about history, the more we know that it can’t be right. All of this arguing over Jesus being a model of hypermasculinity is pointless; take the best of what he was preaching about being good to one another, try and live by that, and using ones brain will get you (and the rest of humanity) further than any theological belief system will get you.

  • cambridgemac

    Umm, dude. That IS Jesus. Just not in his usual outfit.

  • cambridgemac

    On his facebook page the General calls the Southern Poverty Law folks supporters of terrorism. https://www.facebook.com/generalboykin

  • RAdkinson68

    Racist, fascist, bigot, misogynist! Racist, fascist, bigot,misogynist!

    Racist, fascist, bigot, misogynist! Racist, fascist, bigot,misogynist!

  • AnthonyLook

    Now you’re getting the hang of it. Daily the Republicans and tea party birthers gives us examples, so daily they make it easy to point out. Messaging is working.

  • RAdkinson68

    Question much ?

  • Not_Phyllis

    Copy/paste much?

  • RAdkinson68

    Hell yes! All 3 in one post!

    Racist, fascist, bigot! Racist, fascist, bigot!

    Racist, fascist, bigot! Racist, fascist, bigot!

    Racist, fascist, bigot! Racist, fascist, bigot!

    Racist, fascist, bigot! Racist, fascist, bigot!

  • AnthonyLook

    Racist, Bigoted Extremist Fascist Fake Christian Terrorism Cults have taken over true Christianity.

  • mtblaze

    God didn’t have to wait for the Second Coming to lay waste to humans. Hell, he even killed 76,000 of King David’s people simply because David counted them.

  • mtblaze

    All religions teach peace (and so Buddhism does count), it’s the practitioners who twist the teachings and are violent.

  • mtblaze

    But really Jesus’ hair is dark brown and his eyes are brown, he just uses Just for Men and colored contacts.

  • Fentwin

    So, where is the sanest pace on Earth? It sure ain’t this bat shit crazy country. These “laws” they are trying to pass reminds me of the Nuremburg laws that were passed in the 1930′s.

    Scandinavia? Some little Island atoll in the Pacific? Is there such a place?

    I’m sick and tired of this ideological cultural war bullshit. I’m tired of the mealy mouthed bible based bigots screeching like a bunch of harpies about how persecuted they are since they can’t force everyone to suck the cock of God.

    I’m sick and tired of the lies and distortions spouted in the name of Cheesus.

    I’m tired of pedophile priests and the protection they get for the sake of baby Jebus

    I’m tired of a government that lets the big banks launder money for the cartels yet want to bust small banks for depositing money made from the legal sale of marijuana. (not religious, but still, god damn)

    I’m tired of guns; guns gnus guns, we all have to have a fucking gun according to the NRA, anything else is UnAmerican. Jesus with an AK? Which fucking BIble are these recto-cranialy impacted brown-shirt bible-thumpers reading? I’ve got a BIble and no where does Jesus even have a sword fight, much less a shoot out at the O.T. Corral.

    I’m tired of people like Delay who insist that jesus bled the ink he used to write our Constitution.

    God damn it, I’m tired of all of this bullshit.

    (thanks for letting me rant…I’ll be over here doing my best Yosemite Sam impression)

  • TheOriginalLiz

    We won’t be the first empire to be destroyed by hateful, warped Christians. History is littered with them.

  • Badgerite

    Oh my lord. And this guy was a Lieutenant General in the United States Army and Deputy Under Secretary of Defense for Intelligence during George Bush’s administration from 2002-2007.
    If he has a brain, it is not on display in these comments.

  • FLL

    And don’t forget the light brown or dishwater blond hair and blue eyes for the Anglo-Saxon look that was so typical of the population in the ancient Middle East.

  • perljammer

    I think you folks are looking at this from the wrong angle. The Second Coming of Christ is all about the final judgement. If your final disposition is to burn in the fires of Hell for eternity, does it really matter whether your send-off is a pat on the head or a magazine-emptying burst from an automatic weapon?

  • arcadesproject

    Man’s man? Hey, that can only mean One Thing, right? Guess they weren’t blowing smoke when they said Jesus loved John.

  • kingstonbears

    Don’t forget the huge “package” dressed to the left.

  • http://hunteratrandom.blogspot.com/ rmthunter

    “big, bulging biceps, big ole veins popping out of his arms, thin waist, [and] strong shoulders.”

    You can almost see Boykin drooling.

    It occurs to me that a real “man’s man” doesn’t need a penis substitute — er, assault rifle.

  • http://hunteratrandom.blogspot.com/ rmthunter

    The Jesus portrayed by the Gospels is based largely on mythic archetypes current in the Middle East and Europe: the Hero, whose birth was marked by signs and portents, not the son of his titular father (if he had a father at all) but of a god, who displayed unusual abilities in his youth, and whose role was to change the world. That gets mixed up with the Sacrificed God (Osiris, Tammuz, Adonis, Dionysus, Shiva, John Barleycorn), whose sacrifice is for the benefit of the people.

    It doesn’t really matter whether or not there was a historical Jesus.

  • Anonymous

    It’s funny, if you belong to a religion that’s in the majority, it still has “cult” elements but it’s not seen as a cult. The majority really has a way of warping your perspective. Culture is learned, not genetic. If we grew up somewhere else, we’d believe something entirely different. People take it all way too seriously. They have no sense of self outside these group attachments.

  • Anonymous

    You could use that argument to ban guns entirely – hah…

  • Anonymous

    Christians supposedly follow the prophet that doesn’t date kids…tell that to Warren Jeffs & the Duck Dynasty crew

  • Anonymous

    “It is the meek who inherit the earth.” But when? It’s been millenia. Though, religion has provided a pretty high attrition rate with those “holy wars” they love to fight.

  • Anonymous

    They cherry pick for the “hate” parts. No such thing as a peaceful religion with an actual God – Buddhism doesn’t count.

  • Anonymous

    So basically God was whatever you want him to be. Makes sense.
    These quotes are becoming humorless to me. Unfortunately they really do believe this crap, it’s not a joke or satire. It’s beginning to bring me down how dumb some people are.
    Please just give these people some sort of lump sum payment as they need their daily pat on the back. Anything that will make them feel like their “activism” has sufficed. Just appease them so they go away.

  • trista niap

    My Uncle Harrison recently got Infiniti Q50
    Sedan from only workin part time on a home computer… go to this website C­a­s­h­D­u­t­i­e­s­.­ℂ­o­m

  • pappyvet

    I’ve always wondered about that phrase “the law and the prophets”……..weren’t they an early backup band for Lou Reed?…..or was it Lou Rawls?

  • pappyvet
  • pappyvet

    snort ! guffaw ! wheeze ! Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s ass. Which is why I have a strict rule of living at least a block away. ;]

  • chris10858

    I think when Jesus said, “love your enemies” he probably meant don’t kill them.

    I think there are a lot of violent, hate-filled people who shroud themselves in religiosity and fake patriotism in order to somehow try to justify their hatred for others.

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    Funny, I thought it was ‘Blessed are the cheesemakers’, although I would assume he meant it in a general way, to include all makers of dairy products…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpkWT5voTSE

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    The birth and death narratives of the NT are seen by all reputable scholars as purely fictional accounts.

    Aye, especially since:

    1. They contradict each other endlessly on the details
    2. The details that are in there are often provably wrong or anachronistic
    3. They describe a version of crucifixion that was not how the Romans did it

    4. Married men almost always have sex with their wives if able, especially if newly wed, and would probably go berserk if their young wife said she was pregnant not from him but via an ‘angel.’
    5. An unmarried 33 year old man from a Jewish family? Riiiiiiight…

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    That would be the usual Calvin, of Calvin & Hobbes fame… loved the comic when it was running, hate what the d-nozzles did to the kid.

  • BillFromDover

    Sharkzilla?

  • BillFromDover
  • pappyvet

    Matthew 7:12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.

  • BillFromDover

    Ya forgot chocolates and condoms.

  • BillFromDover

    Too bad someone didn’t supply Him with one sword to compliment the bread and fishes?

  • BillFromDover

    Why does He just come back as Bill Clinton? Fuck the veins!

  • BillFromDover

    Bring it on. I’ll meet Him in one of these:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9bgaoXLbFI

  • eahopp

    Yeah, well, I doubt that “Man’s man” Jesus could stop this duo….

  • 4th Turning

    I think I’ve heard there are several websites that cater to that type-just saying.

  • 2karmanot

    Oh god, yes, yes, oh god…….

  • Indigo

    Yeah, that’s one element of Midwestern culture I don’t miss.

  • Indigo

    Now, what I decoded out of those claims was that the Family Research Council is actually an apocalyptic cult, a sort of low-key Baptist version of Heaven’s Gate. Maybe . . .

  • Mike_in_the_Tundra

    I thought that maybe the three wise men were going to visit with new gifts.

  • iamlegion

    I did not know that. Thanks – I will use it with greater enthusiasm from now on!

  • mtblaze

    Especially when the back window has a cut-out of a little boy peeing on a Ford.

  • mtblaze

    “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

  • AdmNaismith

    Arrrgh.

    To paraphrase Captain Kirk in the underrated (yes, I said underrated) Star Trek V:
    Kirk: ‘What does God need with a [gun]?’

    And the end of that exchange:
    McCoy: I doubt any God who inflicts pain for his own pleasure.

    Sheesh…

  • Sameboat1

    So wrong on SO many levels.

  • Mike_in_the_Tundra

    The churches named “King of Peace” will need to change their names. They’re not going to like that.

    About this: “big, bulging biceps, big ole veins popping out of his arms, thin waist, [and] strong shoulders.” A lot of us would like to date him, especially with that wonderful beard.

  • JaneE

    When Jesus said that peacemakers would be called the children of God, he wasn’t talking about a Colt revolver. It is the meek who inherit the earth.

  • 4th Turning

    Was just googling “Noah” trailer and wondering if we’d get to see Russell in a speedo-(I think it
    or nothing is de rigueur in Aussieland). Got lost in the ‘comments’ wilderness again.
    (The next Jesus-bien caliente!)
    Andrew Haym2 days ago
    Movies today are always about the end of the world and special effects to propel the story, instead of the actors, or the writing. And every movie soundtrack sounds plagiarized with the same loud drums and epic harmony. Talk about the death of Hollywood.
    ry alfrd2 days ago
    did you even know that by mocking scripture your actually making prophecy come to be, so i dont mind,the more the merrier.go for it.
    Matthew Larsen
    +ry alfrd Oh you mean that bit in the bible where it foretells scoffing. See even back then they knew the what they were writing would be recognised as crap
    you said it my friend.lol.
    darksorcerermusic2 days ago
    i hope they show the scene when Noah throws the phone at the bellboy….

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    You inspire me, dearie

  • nicho

    The use of the word “cretin” is ironic. It came about as a corruption of the word “christian.” Christians were seen as meek and dull and the term came to be applied to people of limited mental faculties.

  • nicho

    The Jesus “sword or no sword” mystery could be solved by a very prevalent school of thought that the early Christian mythology of Jesus was based on different characters with the same name. For those who aren’t aware, this was before not only 24-hour cable news, but tv itself, and even newspapers. A lot of the mythology was word of mouth and things got messed up.

    Many scholars believe there were at least two “Jesus” characters. One was the itinerant preacher, talking about love and forgiveness and telling people not to use swords. The other was what was known as a Zealot, who the Romans considered terrorists, since the goal of the Zealots was to overthrow the government. This would be the guy telling people to go out and buy a sword — two if they could afford it.

    It’s more likely that the Romans would crucify a Zealot rather than an itinerant preacher who was only saying nice things and telling his followers not to cause trouble. And even then, it’s doubtful they would have done it the way the mythical bible story tells it. Romans at the time were into mass executions and could do a couple of hundred in an afternoon. Unlikely they would crucify a preacher at all (especially one who hadn’t really bothered them) and more unlikely that they would break loose a platoon of soldiers to do it.

    The birth and death narratives of the NT are seen by all reputable scholars as purely fictional accounts.

  • UncleBucky

    Yep.

    Hey, and Truck-Nuts, I never knew about that. But they remind me of phallic images of the Celts (?) and the cod-pieces worn during the Renaissance.

    The Nation is going over the edge, I think.

  • PeteWa

    your additions are most excellent!

  • UncleBucky

    These people (christianiSTs) wouldn’t know the meaning of the Beatitudes, Parables, the Lord’s Prayer (up to but not incl. the “doxology”), related passages, and the letters of Jesus’s brothers, James and Jude.

    Further, they have created a “god” (in this case a kind of warrior hercules/jesus) and have decided that worshiping IT will persuade the main “sky god” to give them a ticket to “heaven”. This is actually Old Testament blasphemy, or worshiping false gods, or graven (printed) images…

    It’s all there, these psychos are dangerous, boys and girls.

  • Silver_Witch

    Not cheerios….Frosted Flakes…

    Oh shoot you said cheetos…my bad.

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    Trying being stuck in traffic behind such an adorned truck.

    It’s incredibly gross.

  • keirmeister

    Okay…I had to Google Truck-Nuts.

    Eeeew!

  • iamlegion

    What a despicable cretin. Boykin is a disgrace to the uniform, to Christians, and to America.

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    My understanding is that ergot-fueled psychosis is often like that.

    It takes some seriously twisted f*cks to look at the demented imagery of an obviously insane author and say, “Y’know, the Gospels were way too positive and just having those letters from Paul of Tarsus didn’t really hammer home the “you’re all going to HELL!” message. Let’s finish off the Bible with these ‘revelations,’ shall we? If that doesn’t terrorize people into giving us all their worldly possessions, nothing will.”

  • http://liberawheeler.blogspot.com/ Elijah Jacob Shalis

    I think these people missed whole message of the four gospels. They love Revelations and the Old Testament but like to not talk about the gospels.

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    Plus:

    - Subscription to Hustler
    - One (1) pair of Truck-Nuts, extra veiny
    - Dodge Ram from which to hang the aforementioned Truck-Nuts

    Because, y’know, compensation.

  • http://heimaey.us/ heimaey

    We don’t know if “Jesus” said any of this. He’s an amalgamation of so many stories floating around at that time period. But if he DID say that then yes, he clarified by saying assault rifle instead.

  • PeteWa

    checklist for all powerful god creatures while vacationing on earth:
    - Bowie Hunting Knife
    - Box of toothpicks
    - Cigars, lots of cigars
    - Sweatbands / Headband combo
    - AK-15s and 47s
    - Suitcase nuke
    - Suntan oil
    - Cheetos

  • http://heimaey.us/ heimaey

    In his defense if these people’s “god” ever did return, it sounds like it would be fucked up. Revelations is fucking horrifying.

  • PeteWa

    I remember that one time when Jesus roundhouse kicked the living daylights (and life) out of Lazarus and then had to raise him from the dead cause Mary was all, “dang Jesus, stop killing all your friends and learn how to play right!”

    it’s in the Bible.

  • http://www.americablog.com/ Naja pallida

    The natural extension of the fetishization of Jesus that has been ongoing since about the third century.

  • 2patricius2

    Of course Boykin conveniently ignores this passage: “‘Put your sword back in its place,’ Jesus said to him, “for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.” (Or maybe there is a lost passage in which Jesus said “take up an assault rifle instead”….)

  • keirmeister

    Whenever I talk to religious nuts like these, I make it a point to agitate them using their own language. They HATE being called false prophets and told they’re doing the work of Satan.

    But outside of that, reading the stupidity that is Boykin…seeing his Jesus lust on full display…I can only think of Patrick Stewart’s line from “Jeffrey”:

    Oooo! Get her!

  • 2patricius2

    The reason Jesus is coming back with an assault rifle, is that his aim in using storms and lightning and bird kills and floods is pretty awful.

  • Dave of the Jungle

    And, Mary looked like Jean Simmons – not Yasur Arafat.

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    Aryan Jesus, obviously. Not that swarthy Middle-Eastern Jewish fellow, Yeshua bin Yusef…

  • Dave of the Jungle

    Spank me, Jesus.

  • http://AMERICAblog.com/ John Aravosis

    God’s bottom.

  • http://AMERICAblog.com/ John Aravosis

    When he’s not sexually harassing women or berating minorities, Jesus goes to Florida to stand his ground.

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    Boykin clearly has an unusual sexual fantasy life… He talks like a total bottom.

  • Dave of the Jungle

    John Rambo – The Son of God
    This time we gonna win.

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