Brilliant take on the Chris Christie bridge scandal from the Onion.
In case you missed it, Christie is in some trouble for one of his top staffers having shut down traffic on the George Washington Bridge for several days, endangering emergency services and inconveniencing thousands of commuters, in order to retaliate against a local mayor who didn’t endorse Christie for re-election.
The discussion now is whether Christie had anything to do with it.
Anyone who has followed Christie at all knows that he’s a supremely angry man. Christie routinely calls reporters and constituents “idiots,” and loses his temper at the drop of a hat. So it’s not really that out of the realm of the possible that Christie himself went all Tony Soprano on the local mayor and ordered the bridge-hit himself.
That’s where the Onion takes over…
I must admit, the past two days have been the most humbling of my entire career. I was shocked and disgusted to learn of the deplorable conduct of a member of my staff, who, without my knowledge, orchestrated lane closures on the George Washington Bridge, deliberately causing major traffic congestion in order to exact political vengeance against a local mayor who didn’t endorse me for reelection. Though I promptly fired the aide in question and repeatedly stressed that I had no prior knowledge of her actions, many have continued to accuse me of being complicit in this incident. And to those who do, I can only ask that you simply look at me, right now, and just ask yourself one question: Do I look like a corrupt, vengeful, openly antagonistic bully to you?
So if you’re one of the many people who is currently wondering whether I knew or didn’t know about the vengeful actions perpetrated by administration, just remember my overall demeanor, how I interact with everyday people, and how I respond to questions from the media, and you’ll quickly realize that I could never, ever be capable of endlessly obsessing over every last criticism leveled against me, nor could I ever bring myself to actually use any and all resources at my disposal to attack everyone who either proved an obstacle to my election or endorsed any of my political opponents. And the idea that I would go to incredible lengths to continue exacting political retribution at any available opportunity, even years later, is just inconceivable given the way I’ve famously carried myself both personally and professionally.