Jesus rebranded, now with more capitalism

Jesus as you’ve always known him, now with more capitalism. I thought this video was fun, and totally timely.

The creator is Mark Fiore, who writes:

Amidst the imagined attacks on Christmas, Rush Limbaugh and some Fox News characters accused Pope Francis of being Marxist after he said some critical words about our economic system.  Never mind that Pope Benedict had similar complaints.  Everything has been coming up Pope Francis lately, who was picked as Time’s “Person of the Year” and was featured on the cover of the New Yorker.  Having been raised Catholic and having done plenty of cartoons about the scandals in the Catholic Church, I’m happy that we’re talking again about things like helping the poor, imagine that.

Click the image to open video in a new tab:


Jesus speaks — just press his Sacred Heart:

“Go, sell your possessions, and use the money to . . . start a growing, profitable business! Come, follow me.”

“The love of money is at the root of all . . . successful entrepreneurs!”

“If they’re hungry, sell them something to eat.”

And my personal favorite:

“Verily, the first shall be first and the last, last.  Why do you think they’re called first and last?”

More where that came from. The film is a nice take on the war on Christmas. Happy Season, all. May yours be merry and bright.


To follow or send links: @Gaius_Publius

Gaius Publius is a professional writer living on the West Coast of the United States.

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  • fletcher

    Either they sold one hell of a lot of duck calls or the wives used schmuck calls.

  • To paraphrase: What vile beast slouches toward Bethlehem?

  • Bravo! How I miss that man. What a genius.

  • David Kowalski

    We haven’t followed pure capitalism since at least 5,000 years ago. The Sumerian temples regulated trade including the weight of goods and prostitution. The Egyptians not only regulated things but the Pharoah stored grain, therefore limiting the possibility for capitalist excess during a famine. The Romans regulated trade, built roads, palaces, and temples and even told people what job they had to do. The Byzantines regulated trade and religion. The Moslems enforced a long daily fast every year. The English prohibited deer hunting in the King’s forest (see Robin Hood). The Pope sold indulgences. Trade guilds regulated the quality and the quantity of goods and the training of their workers. Unions and cartels have followed the practice ever since. Now the Chinese and Americans are regulating bit coins.

    I bet. if we look back, even those hunter gatherers regulated something. We don’t know, because, well they were literally pre-historic (no written history). However, some of those native American hunter gatherers even encouraged the giving away of goods for social prestige. Horrors.

    I guess capitalism, as even St. Adam Smith revealed, is really the Christmas myth for the wealthy.

    So let’s go to a regulated economy and season’s greetings for the 99%.

  • Bill_Perdue
  • Number Six

    When someone says “it says so in the Bible”, they mean “somebody told me it said so in the Bible, but I haven’t looked it up for myself.”

    Because if they have looked it up for themselves, they invariably give the actual quote instead of just saying ISSITB.

  • mtblaze

    How could you have predicted that the Reagan/Bushites would actually secretly sell weapons to Iran in exchange for them holding the hostages until after the election?

  • When I was younger my junk was more expensive.

  • Indigo

    I’m convinced that the expression “it says so in the Bible” is not a
    factual statement about what’s in the Bible, it’s an expression of
    determined certitude that allows no contradiction without a fight.
    Bigotry, in other words.

  • Indigo

    No they wouldn’t, and they’ll give you a fair price for your junk.

  • Indigo

    Not to top that but back in that (frightening) day when Reagan ran for president against Jimmie Carter, I (and many like me) took it for granted that the American public would never vote a second rate actor into the White House, let alone a divorced second rate actor. Wrong again.

  • Monoceros Forth

    A little story I just have to tell: the original “Survivor” premiered just as I was finishing up at SDSU. In talking over the upcoming show with my fellow classics geeks I scoffed. Everyone was going to know, I opined, that the show was totally fakey. No contemporary TV watcher was that unsophisticated as not to suspect it wasn’t all scripted, and would know instinctively that there just off-camera in every shot there’d be a fleet of limousines and Land Rovers and gallons of coffee in hot thermos flasks.

    Guess I was wrong, huh?

  • silas1898

    Indeed. To the Memory Hole!

  • silas1898

    Some are more fake than others.

  • Cletus

    “American Pickers”. Mike and Frank wouldn’t lie to me…

  • Monoceros Forth

    What it reminds me most of is Nineteen-Eighty Four and the minor character of Ampleforth, whose job is coming up with “definitive editions”–that is to say, ideological revisions–of works of literature deemed for whatever reason to be worth preserving, in name only of course, rather than erasing them completely from history. And so it is here. The ideology of the Christian right-wing doesn’t really need the Bible any more, not in any meaningful sense, since it has crystallized around a new set of values that owe a lot more to contemporary politics than to ancient traditions. However it is necessary to preserve the illusion of fidelity to that tradition, hence the need for a “definitive edition” of the Bible that matches the contemporary politics.

  • silas1898

    The Bible is the true word of god! Until they don’t like what it says. Then it needs a little “revision”. Divinely inspired, of course.

  • Indigo

    Yes but then again . . . is there a “reality” show that is not fake?

  • jomicur

    Modern American Christianity in a nutshell: Once you’ve persuaded people to believe in a pack of preposterous stories, getting them to believe in rubbish like Duck Dynasty is a cinch.

  • emjayay

    Mark Fiore has been cranking out great little lefty videos like this for years.

  • cole3244

    just like when the pope comes calling to america its not that he loves us its that he needs money for the vatican’s coffers.

  • Monoceros Forth

    Isn’t Fiore a little behind the curve here? Some real actual people have been working on this sort of thing for a while now: (the article is recent but I’ve heard about this “translation” project for a couple of years now.)

  • Cletus

    I never questioned that it was fake – painfully so. I just didn’t realize how far it went other than wondering how those guys, who look like my trailer park in-laws, ended up with the trophy wives. That part just didn’t make sense, but it does now.

  • goulo

    In a similar vein, you may enjoy Matt Bors’s “Holiday Message from Jesus” comic:

  • fletcher

    Of course its fake. Phil Robertson said as much. It is a scripted program with the family members playing parts. No business could remain viable or profitable with so many goof-offs. The main plot is Uncle Sy putting things over on boss Willie that cost Willie money. It is sort of a redneck Amos & Andy though the plot predates that early radio show.

  • Cletus

    John, you’ve got to watch this! Suddenly, it all makes sense…

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