Santorum to lead “strike force” to save Cuccinelli’s disastrous run for VA Gov

Failed Republican Senator and presidential candidate Rick Santorum is reportedly going to lead a “strike force” to help save the flailing, and failing, Republican candidate for governor in Virginia, Ken Cuccinelli, who is two weeks away from losing badly to Democrat Terry McAuliffe.

Of course, the bigger question on everyone’s minds is whether Rick Santorum can save Ken Cuccinelli from Dan Savage.

Dan, as many of you know, is a writer, journalist, activist, sex advice columnist, and all around good guy.  Well, Dan was in DC a week or so ago speaking at an event, I suspect on tour for his new book “American Savage,” when he got on to the topic of Ken Cuccinelli.  Dan decided that we needed a new definition for the word “cuccinelli.”

Ken Cuccinelli by Gage Skidmore.

Ken Cuccinelli by Gage Skidmore.

Now, before we get to Dan’s new definition, I should give you some background on Cuccinelli.  Cuccinelli, of course, is a bit of a religious right winger, to put it mildly.  Cuccinelli doesn’t much care for gays, or women, or anybody else who isn’t exactly like him.  For example, one of the big policy goals Cuccinelli is seeking is a ban on all oral sex – gay and straight, married and single – in Virginia.  (We’re still waiting for Mrs. Cuccinelli to swear under oath that she and the hubby have stayed true to his public ideals on the matter.)

In any case, Dan was talking about Cooch, as some less-affectionately call Mr. C, when he had an idea.

Now, first, I need to remind you of what Dan did to Rick Santorum a few years back.  Santorum was all atwitter, even before there was a Twitter, about gays getting married, and the former Republican Senator, and religious right darling, worried that if gays could marry, what would stop someone from marrying their dog?

Because, apparently in the Santorum family, the notion of consummating your marriage with the family pet is a hotly contested topic.

In any case, Dan had had just about enough of Santorum, so he started a little contest to redefine the word “santorum,” and asked his readers for suggestions.  Then he let them vote on the best ones that came in. Click on the link, the one with “frothy” in it won.  So today if you google “Santorum,” one of the top results will be Dan’s definition, forever immortalized for generations of Santora ad infinitum.

So back to Cuccinelli.  Dan has a new idea for the word “cuccinelli.”  Dan proposes we use the word to describe those little pasta shells that “look like tiny vaginas.”

Now, admittedly I’m no vagina expert.  But I do know a good deal about cooking, and Italian food in particular, so I did a little sleuthing, and with the assist of FoodSubs I think I’ve come up with the most likely candidates for the pasta that Dan had in mind.  (I admit that I was about to google “vagina” to confirm the choices below, but then realized that there was only so much I was willing to do for the pursuit of truth.)

Conchiglie (shells)

conchiglie

Conchiglioni (jumbo shells, for the plus-size lady)

conglie

Gnochetti (okay, I admit this one might be off)

gnochette

Gigli (Italian for “lilies” – and lilies often have a female sexual connotation, amirite?)

gigli3

Cavatelli (I was going with the folds)

cavatelli3

Malloreddus (again, the ridges might be an issue)

malloreddus

Quadrefiore (okay, I admit this one might be a stretch, but I was intrigued)

quadrefiore

Of course, not only would renaming Ken Cuccinelli for a vagina-looking noodle be terribly ironic since Cuccinelli is firmly anti-vagina, but it’s also an interesting question as to whether Mr. Cuccinelli’s mortal fear of oral sex would forbid him from enjoying a healthy mouthful of “cuccinelli.”

Only time will tell.


Follow me on Twitter: @aravosis | @americablog | @americabloggay | Facebook | Instagram | Google+ | LinkedIn. John Aravosis is the Executive Editor of AMERICAblog, which he founded in 2004. He has a joint law degree (JD) and masters in Foreign Service from Georgetown; and has worked in the US Senate, World Bank, Children's Defense Fund, the United Nations Development Programme, and as a stringer for the Economist. He is a frequent TV pundit, having appeared on the O'Reilly Factor, Hardball, World News Tonight, Nightline, AM Joy & Reliable Sources, among others. John lives in Washington, DC. .

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