The good news: Global warming is real. The bad news: It’s the fault of those darn feminists.
You see, climate change is God’s wrath on mankind, we learned from two religious right leaders this week. And in particular, it’s the fault of those pesky pro-choice women.
So you might as well bring back the cheaper albuterol and stop paying your mortgage, because man didn’t create climate change, God did.
Or so claim God’s meteorologists, evangelical leader David Barton and his recent guest, televangelist Kenneth Copeland (video below).
You see, as the Lord’s weathergirls tell it, abortion is the main cause of all the recent hurricanes and polar ice cap melting madness. But drugs and suicide are also ticking off the Eternal SnowMeister to the point where he’s causing “drought” and “rain” and other weather extremes to show his unhappiness with us.
I do have to say I was somewhat disappointed not to hear that gay people were also partly responsible for the change in the weather. I’m kind of enjoying the fact that here in DC we’ve gone up at least half a zone, if not an entire zone, in terms of our summer planting season. And I do grow a mean hydrangea, that I was hoping my fellow sodomites could take credit for. But alas, I’ll have to credit this year’s blooms to the husband-murdering lesbian witches over at Planned Parenthood. Some girls have all the luck.
As wacky as it is, Barton and Copeland’s theory is the same one that Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson used following 9/11: If you tick God off too much, he’ll remove his protection from the earth and wipe you out, à la Noah (well, à la everyone-else-but-Noah).
Here’s Barton with more:
“Whap, here comes storms like we’ve never seen before, and here comes floods, and here comes climate stuff that we can’t explain; all of the hot times and all the cold times and not enough rain and too much rain, and we’re flooding over here and we’ve got droughts over here… And today we’re saying ‘oh no, it’s global warming.’ No, we opened a door that lost God’s protection over our environment and that’s our choice”
As you’ll recall, Falwell and Robertson got into more than a spot of trouble when they blamed 9/11 on liberals:
JERRY FALWELL: And, I know that I’ll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way – all of them who have tried to secularize America – I point the finger in their face and say “you helped this happen.”
PAT ROBERTSON: Well, I totally concur, and the problem is we have adopted that agenda at the highest levels of our government. And so we’re responsible as a free society for what the top people do. And, the top people, of course, is the court system.
Evangelicals have a thing about blaming the weather on God, or more specifically, God’s wrath. And it seems gays are particularly good at both ticking off God, and conjuring up a good storm. Our specialty is hurricanes. Gays, you might not have known, were responsible for Hurricanes Isaac, Sandy, and Katrina.
Per Robertson, Haitians are also pretty good at the storm thing too.
And unless you really like rain, you seriously never want to go on vacation with a gay Haitian feminist.