Girl Scout cookies turn girls into commie, man-hating, abortion-loving lesbians

Girl Scout cookies will turn you into a communist, man-hating, abortion-loving lesbian who thinks it’s acceptable for women to compete with men in the workplace. And in the minds of America’s religious right bigots, it most certainly is not.

The religious right has long had issues with the Girl Scouts because, unlike the Boy Scouts, the female arm of the organization has a lower tolerance for intolerance. While the Boy Scouts would kick you out for being gay, or an atheist, the Girl Scouts were always far less interested in preparing America’s children for jihad.

So it comes as no surprise that, yet again, certain religious right leaders are rallying against the organization and its cookies. Though, as befits the religious right, they just can’t avoid crossing the line of crazy.

Marx, Engels and Trotsky, in better days. (dnaveh / Shutterstock.com)

Marx, Engels and Trotsky, in better days. (dnaveh / Shutterstock.com)

Thanks to People for the American Way’s “Right Wing Watch,” we have the audio and transcript of one Kevin Swanson, a religious right pastor, who is hell-bent against the cookie because, per Swanson, the Girl Scouts will turn your little girl into a lesbian who doesn’t know her place (which is solidly behind, not alongside, her man):

“The individualism of feminism has been devastating to this country. I’d say you ought to say no the Girl Scout cookies too. I don’t want to support lesbianism, I don’t want to support Planned Parenthood and I don’t want to support abortion, and if that be the case I’m not buying Girl Scout cookies.”

Not to put too fine a point on it, but I’m having a hard time understanding the link between lesbians and abortions.  I mean, how often do lesbians have unwanted pregnancies?  (Though obviously, rape is an issue, among others.)

Swanson goes on to note that the Girl Scouts, and particularly their cookies, apparently, somehow add to the scourge of male unemployment in America, or something:

“Are you trying to create a woman who is going to compete with men in the marketplace, or are you trying to create a woman who will be a helpmeet to a man so that he can compete in the marketplace? Those are vastly different goals.”

Swanson goes on to explain that the Girl Scouts are creating women with “the independent mindset.” And apparently that independent mindset sets girls up to be commies:

“I think we understand why Barack Obama is President of the United States. He is incredibly popular with single women, incredibly popular. In fact, if you want a communist in the White House in the year 2020 you have got to get more daughters raised with the worldview, the independent mindset, the worldview that is presented by the Girl Scouts of America.”

Swanson goes on to “prove” a tie between the Girl Scouts and abortion. How? Because the Girl Scouts held a conference in Houston, and the mayor of Houston, Annise Parker, attended (duh).  And Parker is a lesbian.  And her girlfriend works for Planned Parenthood.  So this proves categorically that “apparently there is this unholy alliance between the Girl Scouts and Planned Parenthood.”

And to small minds, I’m sure it does.


Follow me on Twitter: @aravosis | @americablog | @americabloggay | Facebook | Instagram | Google+ | LinkedIn. John Aravosis is the Executive Editor of AMERICAblog, which he founded in 2004. He has a joint law degree (JD) and masters in Foreign Service from Georgetown; and has worked in the US Senate, World Bank, Children's Defense Fund, the United Nations Development Programme, and as a stringer for the Economist. He is a frequent TV pundit, having appeared on the O'Reilly Factor, Hardball, World News Tonight, Nightline, AM Joy & Reliable Sources, among others. John lives in Washington, DC. .

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