Televangelist Joel Osteen: The Titanic sank, but Noah’s Ark floated, so something

I came across a posting on Facebook from televangelist Joel Osteen that really needs to be seen to be fully appreciated.  As someone else noted on Facebook, it’s a good indication of the divide we face in this nation between right and left, reason and faith, and more.

trueblueosteen

In the post, Osteen tries to divine something, well, divine from the “fact” that experts built the Titanic and it sank, while rank amateurs built Noah’s Ark, and it did just fine.

joel-osteen-titanic-ark

So much is wrong with that statement.

1. It’s a lot easier for a ship to survive when it’s not clear it ever even existed.

2. It’s also a lot easier to build an unsinkable ship when God is the guy who draws up the plans for you.  Though, in an odd way, that’s Osteen’s point.

3. If the guy who drew up the Titanic’s plans had infinite knowledge of the future, he could have built an iceberg-proof ship too.

4.  Let’s not forget: God cheated. Who do you think sent the iceberg in the first place.

5. Who knew Osteen was a gay vampire?

True-Blood---Osteen


Follow me on Twitter: @aravosis | @americablog | @americabloggay | Facebook | Google+ | LinkedIn. John Aravosis is the editor of AMERICAblog, which he founded in 2004. He has a joint law degree (JD) and masters in Foreign Service from Georgetown (1989); and worked in the US Senate, World Bank, Children's Defense Fund, and as a stringer for the Economist. Frequent TV pundit: O'Reilly Factor, Hardball, World News Tonight, Nightline & Reliable Sources. Bio, .

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  • Zorba

    LOL! Hey, Ray, don’t you know that the reason dinosaurs no longer exist is because, while they existed previously with man, they didn’t make it onto the ark, and therefore all drowned. Or something like that. ;-)

  • houstonray

    You know it truly is a miracle that ark didn’t sink, what with all those dinosaurs on it…

  • douglas01

    And how many times have televangelist claimed the end was coming only to find it not so.

  • pappyvet

    The Titanic…was real.

  • benb

    C’mon… Osteen’s a Televangelist. He’s in it for the money. Guys like Osteen (and Mega Churches) drain off attendence of neighborhood churches. It’s Fast Food Religion.

  • benb

    Monsterous floods way back then. Check out the Missoula floods. PBS’s Nova did a program on it and I think it’s online at http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/megaflood/

  • BillFromDover

    Of course he did… 2 x 2; not to mention the elements he had to save, especially when he though of wood.

  • BillFromDover

    That’s why we have God the Father and Jesus the son.

    Somebody needs to be bitch-slapped every now and then!

  • BillFromDover

    Oh, c’mon… how could we have scary movies without the loving pair of Tyrannosaurus Rexes afforded space on this tub?

  • BillFromDover

    Why not just directly to you?

  • BillFromDover

    Was this before or after the firmament creation?

    Otherwise, well….. duhhhhh!

  • lynchie

    well show us yours. I am sure when god gives you orders tonight you will reflect and realize your talking to your pet goat

  • lynchie

    why, just to make you a happy fundie.

  • lynchie

    Yeah bilking people is harder you have to suppress any ethics, morals and decency not to mention any of the core christian beliefs.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcrEqIpi6sg Moderator4

    LastManStanding, stop with the ad hominem attacks. You are welcome to disagree and present your arguments, but random, baseless insults are inappropriate.

  • loona_c

    My bad.

  • LastManStanding

    Gary Harmer: In fact, faith has been outlawed… over and over again century after century. Yet it rises and prevails! You will die, but it never will! That’s gotta really piss you off!

  • samiinh

    I’m not so sure about that. There would still be teabaggers.

  • LastManStanding

    Or a choice?

  • LastManStanding

    I like your photo JamesR… last night’s date?

  • LastManStanding

    But if God had gotten rid of the flies, ticks and mosquitos we’d have no comments on this blog at all!

  • LastManStanding

    I don’t know Sally, but I think you should sell your computer, cancel your ISP and give the money to the poor.

  • LastManStanding

    Well Phil, I don’t see anyone here paying you anything for your potty wisdom. I guess that just proves that what Osteen does is harder than you think.

  • LastManStanding

    Now loony_c, how do you know Osteen didn’t pray for world peace a few minutes before he prayed for Walenda?

  • LastManStanding

    Let’s see… a jury unanimously found that the gold-digging flight attendant’s claim that Victoria Osteen gave her hemorroids was too far fetched to believe. I guess it sounds good to you though, huh? You’re really, really smart man!

  • LastManStanding

    1 billion people on Facebook, and you just “came across” Osteen’s post? Did it just pop up miraculously?

  • LastManStanding

    Have you made it to the 7th grade yet?

  • fentwin

    Thats the reason I call it “Christ-inanity”, in honor of all the inane things uttered.

  • Shlomo Abrin

    Shorter version:

    “Listen to ME, and not to anyone else. Make checks payable to ME.”

  • http://adgitadiaries.com/ karmanot

    I’ll go there! :-)

  • milli2

    I don’t mind adults who believe in fairy tales….as long as they hold no position of power within corporations, government, or schools.

  • milli2

    These guys don’t believe anything they preach. They’re laughing at the ones who buy their crap and give them money.

  • milli2

    So, why doesn’t he opt to hand glide home on a contraption he builds himself instead of those big metal airplanes built by those science-y aviation “experts”? God will get him home I’m sure.

  • benb

    No. No ramming. No iceberg. No valid comparison. My 6th grade English teacher would be all Osteen’s ass if she read this in his homework but she’s probably one of those ‘Experts’ that he warns will undermine your faith.

  • emjayay

    Obviously Noah didn’t need all those species. Over five thousand years or so the original species he saved migrated and evolved. Oh no wait, aaarrrrgggh.

  • emjayay

    Not to mention huge rocks on top of mountains that don’t match the mountain rock but do match the rock a hundred miles away. In North America, for some random reason, always to the north. Until the mid 1800’s, the common explanation was that the Biblical flood did it. Now we call them glacial erratics. Some people are just a century or two behind.

  • Monoceros Forth

    Yeah, the “scientists said bumblebees can’t fly” canard has been thoroughly debunked but as long as you take it on faith that scientists are all bumbling idiots who make shit up then you’ll never stop believing in the legend.

  • ArthurH

    Yes, I’ve seen those, right along with documentaries made by that company in Utah that attributed every architectural wonder in ancient times to men from flying saucers. But it is comfort to truly dumb people that they can best the educated if only… I heard some Christian speaker in an address on how to motivate employees cite that experts say the aerodynamics on bubble bees indicates that they shouldn’t be able to fly but they do any way. And to prove the experts wrong, some guy in Brooklyn built a machine shaped like a bumble bee and it too flew. As proof, he said, we can see that craft in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington. Thinking this was a good story, I phoned the Smithsonian for more information on the bumble bee airplane and the fellow laughed, “Are they still telling that old story? That’s pure (product of male cattle)!”

  • samizdat

    It’s funny how these storytellers 8000+ years ago turned the deluge caused by the salty Mediterranean breaking through an ancient glacial damn into the then-freshwater Black Sea into a scold’s paradise of “I told you so’s”. And here we are in the 21st century, CE, and people still believe some flim-flam story designed to instill the fear of “God” (or gods; who knows) into the populace of ancient civilizations.

    Fairy tales, and nothing more. Oh, I suppose some of them are cautionary narratives urging people not to waste resources, or damage the natural world which allows them to live and thrive, but that’s all these stories are. Not too different from any other mythology.

  • eahopp

    Did Noah also have to collect all the viruses and bacteria in the world as well?

  • eahopp

    Well, maybe God is a practical joker, and all that Genesis stuff came from his Animal House college days?

  • jomicur

    Within the last week, Christian TV here in Pittsburgh (which I watch quite compulsively) has aired no less than THREE “documentaries” that offer conclusive, irrefutable “proof” that humans and dinosaurs co-existed. The proof consists of the fact that many cultures have legends about dragons–and dragons are really dinosaurs, right? I kept waiting for them to cite the Raquel Welch movie ONE MILLION YEARS B.C. as further proof, but somehow they missed that.

  • cc423

    All I know about this guy is that his surgically enhanced wife (apparently God’s work was not good enough) assaulted a flight attendant. What a nice, sweet, Christian lady.

  • AristarchusSeleucus

    Re: Noah and his ark … this is one of my favorite commercials:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T1BDJmYXNMk

  • loona_c

    Osteen also doesn’t have a college degree. And he didn’t formally study theology. He studied technology or media or something else when he was in college. And he just blessed and prayed for Nic Wallenda. Anything to get on tv?.There were clearly no more important issues IN THE WORLD that day to pray for.

  • Gary Harmer

    I appreciate your response Karmanot…but I’m sticking to what I said. Beyond that, “religion” itself should be outlawed…Period!

  • xzargo

    Who cares what you say? Osteen is laughing all the way to the bank.

  • olandp

    Better yet, where did it go? Why did Noah just put kangaroos on Australia? Wouldn’t it have been easier just to the the animals go on the mountain? Then there would only be animals on Africa, Europe and Asia. The rest of the world, then unknown, would be devoid of life.

  • samiinh

    And the ticks and mosquitoes.

  • chrislib

    Why does Osteen ignore that Jewish Noah, not catholic Columbus, discovered America when he brought all the dinosaurs, other animals, and Native Americans back to the flooded land?

  • JamesR

    Yeah, that reminds me of this camel story http://www.oocities.org/steve_o_burstein/Jokes.htm#Camel%20Joke%20-%20Ride%20Em – Osteen would be the guy who fucks the camel.

    – If he ever conceived of doing something as passionate as sex, he’s a bizarre macro-homunculus. Instead of sex his task is simply to fuck people’s minds.

  • BillFromDover

    Nah, something much simpler: the mountains grew out of the seas and simply carried the shells to the tippy-tops.

  • Jafafa Hots

    Mars.

  • BillFromDover

    I believe it rammed something even bigger… a huge fuckin’ mountain:

    Genesis 8:4

  • BillFromDover

    That depends, Phil.

    I suggest a jaunt to Texas and asking Gov. Perry what the opposite of an ark is for.

    I realize that this is a burning question, but, what the hey!

  • BillFromDover

    Too bad Noah didn’t find two black flies with peckers!

  • Monoceros Forth

    I’ve always amused myself with idle speculation about just how long it would have taken Noah to collect and then replace all of the species he’d have to collect. Imagine how long it would take, say, to repopulate even a good sized island, much less the entire world? Dealing just with the insects of the Galapagos alone would probably take at least a couple weeks.

    Seriously, what’s really nauseating about this business to me isn’t so much that Osteen literally believes the Noah story (which he may not, though he’s definitely counting on his audience to believe there really was a Noah’s Ark.) What’s truly sickening is the anti-intellectual attitude, seen in many forms, that educated or professional persons, the so-called “experts”, really don’t know what they’re doing and should be ignored. Those nutty scientists and engineers, what do they know? They don’t have the Lord in their hearts.

  • BillFromDover

    Wadda have against anonymous desert herders writing this stuff in their tents on the sand after a few pipe-fulls of primo Colombian camel dung?

  • BillFromDover

    If there were a god, he would have dumped the fucking black flies from that tub.

  • BillFromDover

    Up to the tippy-tops of the highest mountains a mere 6,000 to 10,000 years ago with no geological evidence whatsoever to support this.

    BTW, where did all that water come from?

  • BillFromDover

    Science dictates that the ark, as described in the bible, could not stay afloat.

    But what would a Godder know about science?

  • Nicholas A Kocal

    Joel Osteen is a please listen to what I say but not watch what I do type of preacher. Speaks alot about how much he loves Jesus but does very little to act like Jesus taught us to act.

  • Phil

    Meh. Sometimes it’s floaters, sometimes it’s sinkers (depends if you drank beer the night before). Sometimes you flood the mens room and the janitor gets really pissed off at you.

    That’s my ministry – do I get a jillion dollars for that wisdom?????/

  • eahopp

    God just wants to test the true believers faith with all the sea shells on top of the mountains with this heretic science nonsense. In reality, the sea’s rising tidal waves simply washed those sea shells up the mountains.

  • benb

    Where in the Bible does it say that Noah’s Ark hit an iceberg and survived?

  • Jafafa Hots

    “not clear it even existed” is pretty generous for a boat that supposedly carried a pair of every species of living thing on earth for weeks because a vengeful deity flooded the entire planet.

  • Sally

    Was Osteen at the Grand Canyon yesterday with Nic Wallenda? I was sure I saw him standing at the end of the walk, and Nic spent the whole 20 minutes praising God and Jesus and whatever. Wonder how billionaire Joel squares his riches with Jesus’ commandment to give everything to the poor and “follow me.’

  • http://poodyheads.wordpress.com/ zorbear

    Oh yeah? and I suppose “science” has a better explanation for those sea shells on top of those upthrusts, I mean, mountains. (read it with a sneer, and it’ll sound about right)
    /snark

  • http://poodyheads.wordpress.com/ zorbear

    maybe it was a virus, spread by those two mosquitos? Nah, I don’t believe it either, and I’m only three-and-a-half-years-old!
    ;-)

  • Bucy

    Sorry, but no. Andrew Sullivan, who I mostly admire, coined the term “christianists” in his sad attempt to differentiate himself from all the other irrational religionist people. But it is all ridiculous and you just can’t make up words to pretend you are somehow better than other people you find silly who believe exactly what you believe.

  • JamesR

    Exactly.

    The oral tradition of nomadic desert tribes 6000 years ago, the setting of the telling and the comprehending – is completely different from the literal mindset today. That something can be “True” yet at the same time not “factual,” or literal, is a higher concept many illiterate tribes posses. It’s not that they were “wrong” or worse “stupid” but that they were sophisticated and obviously used analogies and parables to describe the important parts of events or of meanings rather than the unimportant stuff like the mechanics they didn’t need to understand.

    I can well imagine the original tellers of these tales laughing their asses off at dolts like Osteen who take their words, translated through usually 4 quite different languages, loss of verses and thousands of years, as literal and teach it as some sort of strange dogma. A myth is not a dogma – it’s cultural poetry. Like the difference between an abstract painting and a photograph. They knew the difference, Many Christians and most Jews know this difference, always though there will be the shmendriks…

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    Indeed. And unlike Game of Thrones, it was clear right from the start that True Blood takes place in a very different universe than Charlaine Harris’s books.

  • Dave of the Jungle

    Quite right. He learned how from his father.

  • JamesR

    LOL quite humorous besides the drunk and naked part, is that the whole story is incomplete and mysterious and nonsensical, what we know of it http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1875/whats-up-with-the-biblical-story-of-drunken-noah-part-1 (plus the mischief that’s been made from it, IE curse of Ham / slavery http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2194/whats-up-with-the-biblical-story-of-drunken-noah-part-2 ) While comparatively the story of the Titanic is simple and obvious: brittle steel, not enough rivets, scraping a huge iceberg – all of which makes perfect sense in reality. Myth = (literal) nonsense, reality = real.

    Reading Genesis bolsters my faith that to plan in this world I need to do it realistically.

  • Rufus

    Joel isn’t stupid. He’s a very smart con man living high on the hog from the contributions from his flock.

  • Dave of the Jungle

    I knew a guy who was intelligent enough to earn a Ph.D. in Chemistry but believed that Noah’s Ark was conspicuously available for inspection on some mountain in Iran. This was based on nothing more than a claim in some paperback propaganda book one could buy at a local Christian book store.

  • http://adgitadiaries.com/ karmanot

    They have yet to explain gays on the ark—-must have been stowaways.

  • http://adgitadiaries.com/ karmanot

    John makes a clear differential between ‘Christianists’ and “Christians.’ And, I agree with him. The former is a term coined by Andrew Sullivan and given nobility by William Safire. Check it out on Google. It will help to clarify.

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    It hurts my brain to know there are grown adults out there who believe Noah and his impossible ark actually existed, and that every single non-aquatic form of life that lives on the Earth today was carried by that one boat, built by one man and whatever local help he could scrounge up which, if the story is to be believed (and I don’t believe it) wasn’t much help at all because everybody said he was insane.

    (Pro Tip: If everybody around you says you’re crazy and the voices in your head are not the commands of an omniscient super-being, they’re probably right.)

    There are nearly a million different species of animals currently identified, with an estimated 7 million yet to be discovered. Hundreds of thousands of species of plants that would have drowned after being submerged for over a month. Every single freshwater animal would have died. The receding oceans would have left all the lands poisoned with salt for centuries. And put simply, there is not enough H2O on or in this planet to flood it all to the depth such that Mount Everest would be submerged.

    The ark story, like most myths made up by primitive peoples to explain what was, to them, inexplicable, is ridiculous, illogical, and flat out impossible.

    But hey, y’know what? Most of these religious hucksters don’t actually consume the snake-oil they’ve been peddling. It’s just BS for the gullible masses who are about to be separated from their hard-earned money, in exchange for an unprovable promise of eternal reward. It’s the ultimate grift.

  • FLL

    I forgot about them. The other three grabbed my attention because Steve Newlin is so out and proud, and Sam drank enough of Bill’s blood a year ago to give Sam plenty of reason to have further unusual dreams about Bill. There’s so much material for scriptwriters to play with. Pam and Tara remain two of my faves.

  • Gary Harmer

    Let the world go ahead and blow up now…I don’t believe the depth of stupidity that these “christians” have come to. Moreover, I can’t believe the ignorance it takes to actually listen and believe this pure and unadulterated bullshit!

  • Indigo

    I was struck by the resemblance between Steve and Joel in the cover photo.

  • http://www.rebeccamorn.com/mind BeccaM

    Lafayette Reynolds and Jason Stackhouse are both currently unattached.

    And poor Andy Bellefleur is a single daddy. ;-)

  • KingCranky

    Noah’s Ark, the original crop circle/Bigfoot/Loch Ness Monster/Yeti/UFO, etc.

  • FLL

    Since Joel Osteen was an eye witness during the building of Noah’s Arc, I expect him to proudly support the VRA (Vampire Rights Amendment) and acknowledge the leadership of a gay man, Rev. Steve Newlin, who is the head of the American Vampire League. That makes a total of three males who are romantically unattached: Steve Newlin (lover was killed), Sam Merlotte (girlfriend died in a shifting mishap) and Bill Compton (erstwhile girlfriend unsuccessfully tried to kill him, presumably ending their relationship). Those damned Hollywood scriptwriters better get cracking.

  • Indigo

    I heard a different version of that joke. It seems the Titanic was built by licensed engineers with college degrees but the Arc was built by an old drunk who hallucinated. One coin, two sides.

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