Dear Texas: Leave, please.

I wrote yesterday about a petition on the White House Web site asking the Obama administration to let Texas secede from the Union.  The petition now has over 96,000 signatures, well over the 25,000 needed to elicit a White House response.

Then this morning, Gabe Ortiz noted that before Texas is permitted to leave, someone might want to check its pockets.  It seems Texans, in the immortal words of Bill O’Reilly, have a habit of “wanting stuff.”  And now that y’all are finally moving out, we’d like our stuff back, thank you very much.

Of course, Texas secession isn’t the only petition of note today.  There’s a new petition on the White House website that’s also picking up steam, and getting closer to the required number of signatures that would require President Obama to take action. Who can argue with this one?

Hey y’all! Don’t come back now, ya hear?

We can only hope that Texas’ drinking buddies, Alabama and Mississippi, and the rest of their freeloading Dixie family, join them in their big, racist Winnebago and drive away forever.

Thankfully, though, the fun people of Austin want to stay.  They too have their own petition, and it too is doing pretty well, with over 4,000 signatories.

White House Petition Austin USA

Austin, we like you — so glad you’re staying.

We like Austin.

They, Atlanta, and New Orleans are welcome to stay.

And Charleston too, because John likes their buttermilk biscuits, and their accent.

But Lindsay Graham has got to go, we don’t want him playing on our team, along with Karl Rove, both George Bushes, and a good chunk of the Baptists.  And don’t forget the ghosts of Jesse Helms and Lee Atwater, and all the other neanderthals the south has sent to Washington over the years, both living and dead.

Y’all want to elect crazy, more power to you.  But don’t expect us to make you any more $17 billion cups of black coffee next time you come home late with an electoral hangover and the political equivalent of an STD from palling around with the wrong party.


An American in Paris, France. BA in History & Political Science from Ohio State. Provided consulting services to US software startups, launching new business overseas that have both IPO’d and sold to well-known global software companies. Currently launching a new cloud-based startup. Full bio here.

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